Love. It’s a word we hear every day, yet it remains one of the most complex and elusive concepts to fully grasp. Today, I’m diving into this fascinating topic, which I’ve been both eager and hesitant to explore. The idea of love is something we keep learning about throughout our lives, and it’s worth every ounce of effort we put into understanding it.
If every human had to do a PhD, I don’t mean the actual degree, but in terms of the knowledge and effort it takes to understand love, I think it’s completely worth it. Every human needs to understand it. It’s not just about book learning, but more about observing your own personal relationships, which makes your life feel richer.
I don’t really know where to start. I’ll give you a heads-up that I am not a psychologist or a neuroscientist who can speak extensively about the science behind love. I know very little of it. But today, I just want to journal my thoughts on love. I want to see my thoughts on paper and read them as a third person. This topic has been on my mind for the last month. I’ve noted down a few points here and there, accumulating random thoughts from places like the washroom, on the road, in the car, or on a flight. I’ve slowly gathered all of these thoughts, and I’m finally putting them up in front of you guys today.
So let me start by defining love. I’ll give you two ways to explain it. First, my definition, and then the official psychological definition by Robert Sternberg.
Basically, my definition is, I’ve seen a lot of differing opinions about what love is. Some say love at first sight isn’t real, or that having a crush on someone intensely isn’t love. They say loving a fictional character or someone you’ve barely interacted with isn’t love. But I don’t agree with that. Love is simple; it’s hormones and chemicals. Every emotion involves certain chemicals being released in your body.
In a healthy relationship, you feel intimacy and commitment. Love has no boundaries and can be anything—it’s free-flowing. If you feel those love-related emotions like oxytocin, serotonin, or dopamine, then it’s love.
People can even fall in love with AI boyfriends or girlfriends. Why? Because AI can simulate the same hormonal responses you get from human interactions. We’re evolutionary beings; our reactions don’t change overnight just because AI is involved.
For example, I have a friend who’s madly in love with Jungkook from BTS. When she sees his picture, she gets shy and acts like a proper teenage girl. That’s also love. There are people in love with celebrities like Virat Kohli or Mahendra Singh Dhoni. It’s all love because it evokes those feelings of happiness and excitement.
Or take the movie “18 Pages,” where a guy falls in love with a girl by reading her diary. That’s love too. Even in your own surroundings, you might have fallen for someone you barely interacted with.
Now, let’s look at love from a psychological perspective. According to psychologist Robert Sternberg, love comprises three elements: Passion (physical and emotional attraction), Intimacy (emotional closeness and trust), and Commitment (decision to maintain the relationship long-term). These elements can vary in intensity and combinations in different relationships.
There was a point in my life, about a year ago, where I was trying really hard to define love. I was asking my friends, reading various articles, and even looking at Harvard reviews. I still believe that love is fundamentally about hormones and chemicals. Understanding the brain’s role in love is about generating the right balance of chemicals for a positive experience. Whether it’s Sternberg’s definition or others I’ve read, they all discuss similar elements like attachment, lust, infatuation, and a feeling of safety.
I once heard that you marry your unfinished business from childhood. This means we often unconsciously attract people and situations that reflect our unmet needs or emotional wounds from the past. Our unconscious mind recognizes these familiar patterns and draws us towards them. This can lead to repeating the same painful experiences, rather than healing from them. It takes a lot of conscious effort, introspection, and perhaps even manifestation to break these cycles. Understanding your past and what you’re unconsciously attracting into your life is crucial. Once you become aware, you can move past it and attract healthier relationships.
It’s ironic that one of the biggest genres for movies, shows, or any kind of content is romance, and yet we still don’t fully understand love. There is an overabundance of content, but much of it is dramatized and far from reality. In Indian families, particularly in South India, expressing emotions is often not natural or encouraged. Many parents don’t express their emotions openly, leading to children developing conflicts around emotional expression and self-awareness.
Growing up, I often heard that a father’s love is shown in practical ways rather than emotional expression. This is true for many relationships, where love is present but not always expressed in the expected ways. Humans in relationships, whether with children, partners, or friends, often grow up with insecurities. Reaffirming and expressing love regularly can ease these insecurities. True peace and happiness come from inner security and feeling safe in relationships, which goes beyond materialistic satisfaction.
I’ve read about attachment theory, which describes four types of attachment: anxious, avoidant, mixed, and secure. Anxious attachment involves insecurity and anxiety about the presence or absence of the other person. Avoidant attachment is characterized by a fear of getting attached and often pushing people away. Mixed attachment combines anxious and avoidant behaviors, while secure attachment is the ideal but rare state where both people feel calm, happy, and safe in the relationship.
For example, I have experienced anxious attachment in friendships, feeling separation anxiety when friends are unavailable. Anxious attachment involves feeling insecure and needing constant reassurance from the other person. Avoidant attachment, on the other hand, is about being scared to get attached and pushing people away despite wanting closeness. Mixed attachment is a combination of these behaviors, sometimes feeling overly anxious and other times being avoidant to protect oneself.
Secure attachment is the most desirable but also the rarest. It involves feeling calm, happy, and safe in the relationship. It requires both individuals to be in a healthy mind space, able to provide mutual support and security. Achieving a secure attachment often requires self-awareness and understanding of one’s attachment style.
Ideal relationships are subjective because everyone has different needs and backgrounds. We all come with our own set of qualities and insecurities, shaped by our upbringing and life experiences. Some people may excel in confidence and maternal love but struggle with paternal love or relationships with relatives. Others might have a strong sense of friendship but face issues with romantic relationships. Our unique mix of strengths and weaknesses means that no two people will have the same needs or definitions of an ideal relationship.
Growing up, we acquire certain qualities and develop specific insecurities. These attributes can influence how we perceive and engage in relationships. For instance, some individuals might find it easier to express emotions, while others might struggle due to a lack of emotional expression in their family environment. Similarly, past experiences of love and attachment play a crucial role in shaping our expectations and behavior in relationships.
Given this diversity, it’s unrealistic to define ideal relationships by public standards. What works for one person might not work for another. The key is understanding and embracing our individual needs and those of our partners. It’s about finding a balance that brings mutual satisfaction, security, and happiness. Relationships are ever-evolving, and the journey towards understanding and meeting each other’s needs is a continuous process.
Another important aspect to understand in relationships is that it takes a lot of training and effort to make them work. Perfection is a myth, and relationships are constantly evolving because the people in them are constantly evolving. This applies to all relationships, whether it’s with your mom, your dad, or your partner.
A significant portion of love comes from the primitive part of the brain, particularly the hypothalamus. This part also controls emotions like fear and anxiety, and functions like heartbeat. These are universal human experiences, which is why many of us struggle when we try to approach love analytically. Love and relationships are driven by deep-seated emotions that often bypass the analytical brain.
It’s not unusual to feel an inexplicable drive in romantic relationships, a push from deep inside that isn’t entirely logical. This drive is different from the motivation to go to work or perform daily tasks, which are governed more by the frontal lobe of the brain. Trying to control love with pure logic can make relationships feel burdensome. Instead, a balance between emotional intuition and wise choices can help.
Choosing wisely from the start can reduce the amount of work needed later, but understanding that some aspects of love are beyond control can also bring peace. Recognizing that emotions sometimes override logic can help explain behaviors that seem irrational. Understanding this can make navigating relationships a bit easier, knowing that the interplay between the primitive and analytical parts of our brain is at play.
Another fascinating aspect of human behavior is explored in the book “48 Laws of Power” by Robert Greene. Although I haven’t read the entire book, I’ve heard bits and pieces about it and understand its basic principles. Greene’s other book, “The Art of Seduction,” which I’ve almost finished reading, delves into the strategies and psychological tactics people use to gain power and influence. These books, among many other resources, highlight how unmet needs and childhood experiences shape our behaviors and strategies as adults.
Take Marilyn Monroe, for example. She was born an orphan and faced significant emotional deprivation in her early years. Yet, she grew up to become an icon of beauty and seduction, someone who captured the world’s attention. This transformation wasn’t a coincidence. Children, including Monroe, unconsciously develop ways to get the attention they crave. It’s an unconscious process where they learn to adapt and use whatever means necessary to fulfill their unmet needs.
This isn’t about blaming anyone; it’s about understanding that children are incredibly adept at finding ways to meet their needs, even if it involves manipulation or other complex behaviors. The skills and tactics they develop can become deeply ingrained and carry into adulthood, influencing their relationships and interactions.
Psychologists like Sigmund Freud, Alfred Adler, and Viktor Frankl all offer different perspectives on human needs and behaviors. While their theories differ, they don’t deny that humans often pursue pleasure and power. Freud emphasized the role of unconscious desires, Adler focused on the drive for superiority, and Frankl highlighted the search for meaning. Frankl, in particular, found that meaning in life surpasses the pursuit of pleasure and power, though these drives are significant in day-to-day interactions.
In many relationships—whether between parents and children, partners, or friends—power dynamics play a crucial role. The desire for control and influence often underlies interactions, leading to a constant power struggle. It’s interesting to note that seduction, as explained in “The Art of Seduction,” can be seen as a form of this power play. The techniques described, such as initially being open and loving, then becoming distant and unpredictable, are rooted in psychological principles that manipulate emotions.
For instance, someone might show love openly and sweetly to gain another’s attachment, then suddenly withdraw to create confusion and desire. This technique can be highly effective unless the other person has strong self-awareness. Another tactic involves breadcrumbing, where intermittent reinforcement keeps the other person hooked by occasionally showing affection.
Historical figures like Cleopatra exemplify these strategies. Cleopatra was known for her ability to be both independent and alluring, creating a sense of mystery and unpredictability that captivated powerful men. While these techniques can be fascinating to study, they are ultimately superficial and can lead to unsatisfying relationships if used manipulatively.
In the end, these methods might maintain a relationship on the surface but fail to address deeper emotional needs. True fulfillment in relationships comes from conscious effort, open communication, and genuine connection. Miscommunication, silent treatments, and power struggles often complicate relationships, making conscious effort even more crucial.
I’m realizing that this is such a long topic to cover. Points keep coming up, and there’s always more to discuss. For now, we’ll touch upon this again with various points in future discussions.
In conclusion, love in any form isn’t as hard as long as both people are openly communicating and open-minded. When there is a lack of awareness, or when people are swept away by emotions without conscious choices, relationships can feel magical but also directionless during mundane days. Boring days are inevitable in any relationship, whether with parents or partners. Relationships driven purely by emotional attachment without conscious effort often lead to silent treatment, ghosting, and other issues. Open communication and reaffirming commitment can make relationships enriching and fulfilling. So, if there’s anything to add, it’s this: Make conscious efforts to communicate and reaffirm each other. It will make your life so much richer and more peaceful.
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